Depression sucks. And I’m not a huge fan. But as much as that is the truth, I thought it was about time that I shared my journey with my mental health up until this point. I have a couple of mental health posts here and on my YouTube channel and I know I did a video on my depression towards the beginning of my diagnosis, which you can find here, I thought it was about time I wrote a post about it. Especially since I’m a year and a half on since starting my medication and a lot has happened since then. This story starts back in October or November of 2017. I had just started university, and bare in mind I was still staying at home. But I was basically crying most days when I got home and just felt so low, even though things around me weren’t that bad. It was so out of character for me that I think my family was kind of shocked. I’ll be honest with you guys right now, I was scared to go to the doctors appointment. And looking back at it I can’t really remember why. All I knew was that it wasn’t somewhere I wanted to go because I didn’t know what was going to happen or what they were going to say. But my sister was a huge help in making sure I went to the GP and figured out what was going on. I’ve now been seeing the same GP ever since when it comes to my depression and it’s honestly helped so much. I think the consistency of seeing the same doctor has really helped because I’m not having to go through the same symptoms again again with someone different.And my doctor in the appointment was really lovely and understanding and offered me medication but initially I said no. I have never been a fan of taking any kind of medication, even down to cough syrup. But eventually I did go back and now I’ve been on antidepressants since the end of November 2017. That’s crazy. I can’t even completely describe what my head was like before I started my medication. Everything was just such a blur and the days went by in a really weird way. Simultaneously, they were very fast and very slow all at the same time. I remember sitting in my lectures and just not wanting to be there. And it wasn’t because I didn’t enjoy the lectures or that I didn’t like the people around me. My head just didn’t want me to be there. I think it got to a point where university didn’t feel like safe place. Home was my safe place and home was I wanted to be. I wake up in the morning and not want to go uni. One of the worst days of my depression was when I went upstairs after having breakfast to go change my clothes. And I remember not being able to put my own clothes on and I have to call my mum upstairs to help me. I think that was one of the points where I was at my lowest, I was struggling to do things for myself. But I am so grateful I have family around to help me out with that. Depression is something that can manifest in different ways. When I am suffering from it no two days are the same. I have had days where I feel so so low. Those were the days I would be a lot more clingy to people, The days where I really wanted people to stay around me. There’s nothing that has triggered it, I’ve just woken up that morning and I have not felt good. That was something that I really struggled with at the beginning. I hated waking up feeling like that. Every morning I woke up with that feeling, day after day, my stomach would drop just a bit more because the nightmare just didn’t seem to end. But like I said, those aren’t my only type of depressive days. There were also days where I didn’t feel like doing anything. At all. I didn’t blog for ages, couldn’t be bothered with my YouTube channel, I didn’t want to be social. I just wanted to curl up and be away from the world. And that made me upset because I wasn’t used to being like that. I’m a pretty passionate person when it comes to the things that I throw myself into. And I lost all of that drive, passion and motivation and that was pretty scary. The other type of day that I would have were the days where I would just be teary. I would cry for no reason. I could be online and looking through Twitter or just watching TV and I would end up crying about something. I would come through the house door after walking home from the bus from uni and I wouldn’t even have felt upset. But yet, I would still end up cry. And I mean sobbing. It was near just a couple of tears. And sometimes, all three of these things would happen in one day. There doesn’t always have to be something that can trigger a depressive mood. There are days where I still feel like I’m needing to battle with my depression but most days it feels like a winning battle now. Alhamdulilah. The difference I’ve seen in a year and a half is crazy and it’s been a rollercoaster for my mental health but I’m grateful for where I’ve managed to get to. I don’t know what my mental health is going to be like tomorrow, let alone in a few months time. But I’ll take what I can, store all my good days so I have something to pull me through on my bad ones. If you guys want to see some of my other mental health related posts you can check those out here! Love, Sai x Pin the Post!
My brain has been just a teeny tiny bit of a mess over the past couple of months. More so than it normally is which isn’t really great to deal with. The thing is, I really hate going to see the doctor but I hate feeling like this more. So, I did finally manage to get myself to my GP and got a referral to the mental health nurse that came into the surgery once a week.Let’s just give a quick bit of background on this. I was diagnosed with depression in November 2017 and I’ve been on antidepressants for just over a year. One of the first times I went to see my GP about my mental health she referred me to that same mental health nurse … in 2017. And I never got anything back from that. I will take some of the blame for this because I never really chased it up. But things had gotten better and I didn’t see the point. But yeah, never got that first referral which the doctor I saw recently thought was really strange.She did refer me again though and chased it all up and to be fair, that appointment letter came through pretty much a week or two after the referral. Now, I’ve never seen a mental health nurse before so I had no clue what to expect. I didn’t really know what she was going to do or what was expected of me. Simple things like knowing how long the appointment was going to be were just unknown to me and it didn’t really ease my worries about this appointment.I work myself up whenever I need to talk to a healthcare professional about my mental health. It’s such a personal thing and I struggle to speak to my own family about it sometimes, let alone a complete and utter stranger. It’s really raw for me and I feel so emotionally vulnerable and that isn’t a position that I like to be in. It’s why I try my best to get the same GP when it’s something to do with my depression. It means that I don’t need to keep going over everything from the start again because they just know.Anyway, the nurse popped into the waiting room and got me and she seemed like a really lovely lady and she was! We just seemed to dive into things really quickly. She asked if I knew what her role was and explained a little before asking asking what was going on. The whole meeting ended up lasting 45 whole minutes. Forty five. I was not expecting to be in there that long. At all. It didn’t drag along too much though and I did get a couple of useful things out of it. I’m just not sure the whole 45 minutes was really needed but she was chatting to me about some general things as well.Basically, the mental health nurse just wanted to know what my history with my mental health was, what may have triggered it this time, how I felt and the things that were going on in my life at the moment. I don’t know if maybe it was just me but I felt like I constantly had to justify myself with her as to why I was feeling the way I was. But like I said, I find it hard to open up quickly to people so I couldn’t tell her absolutely everything.She was really welcoming and open with me though. The conversation seemed to flow quite well and I wasn’t completely uncomfortable around her, I really appreciated the that that she didn’t push me to talk about things. The nurse was so understanding of the situation that I was in that I felt like I could just breathe a little.It was just a bit of a weird situation I guess and I’m not wholly sure how I felt about it. I only had that 45 minutes with her and she didn’t say anything about another appointment. So, that was it. I don’t feel like it was entirely effective and a lot of the things she did mention weren’t anything new. In hindsight, maybe this appointment would have worked better back when I was first diagnosed and everything was new to me. But at least I went and saw what she had to offer. Which is better than not knowing at all. I am glad that I found out about some of the mental health groups that the surgery run though which I’m going to try and look into during Summer.I don’t want this post to put anyone off of going to a mental health nurse. It’s always worth seeing one because you never know what help their able to offer or what advice they’re able to give. Whilst my experience may not have been the most amazing thing in the world, I got a couple of things out of it that I may not have found out about otherwise. So, alhamdulliah for that.If you guys have seen a mental health nurse or even if you are one, I’d love to know about it!Sai xo