Depression sucks. And I’m not a huge fan. But as much as that is the truth, I thought it was about time that I shared my journey with my mental health up until this point. I have a couple of mental health posts here and on my YouTube channel and I know I did a video on my depression towards the beginning of my diagnosis, which you can find here, I thought it was about time I wrote a post 

about it. Especially since I’m a year and a half on since starting my medication and a lot has happened since then. 

 This story starts back in October or November of 2017. I had just started university, and bare in mind I was still staying at home. But I was basically crying most days when I got home and just felt so low, even though things around me weren’t that bad.  It was so out of character for me that I think my family was kind of shocked. 

I’ll be honest with you guys right now, I was scared to go to the doctors appointment. And looking back at it I can’t really remember why. All I knew was that it wasn’t somewhere I wanted to go because I didn’t know what was going to happen or what they were going to say. But my sister was a huge help in making sure I went to the GP and figured out what was going on. I’ve now been seeing the same GP ever since when it comes to my depression and it’s honestly helped so much. I think the consistency of seeing the same doctor has really helped because I’m not having to go through the same symptoms again again with someone different.

And my doctor in the appointment was really lovely and understanding and offered me medication but initially I said no. I have never been a fan of taking any kind of medication, even down to cough syrup. But eventually I did go back and now I’ve been on antidepressants since the end of November 2017. That’s crazy. 

I can’t even completely describe what my head was like before I started my medication. Everything was just such a blur and the days went by in a really weird way. Simultaneously, they were very fast and very slow all at the same time. I remember sitting in my lectures and just not wanting to be there. And it wasn’t because I didn’t enjoy the lectures or that I didn’t like the people around me. My head just didn’t want me to be there. I think it got to a point where university didn’t feel like safe place. Home was my safe place and home was I wanted to be. I wake up in the morning and not want to go uni. 

One of the worst days of my depression was when I went upstairs after having breakfast to go change my clothes. And I remember not being able to put my own clothes on and I have to call my mum upstairs to help me. I think that was one of the points where I was at my lowest, I was struggling to do things for myself. But I am so grateful I have family around to help me out with that. 

Depression is something that can manifest in different ways. When I am suffering from it no two days are the same. I have had days where I feel so so low. Those were the days I would be a lot more clingy to people, The days where I really wanted people to stay around me. There’s nothing that has triggered it, I’ve just woken up that morning and I have not felt good. That was something that I really struggled with at the beginning. I hated waking up feeling like that. Every morning I woke up with that feeling, day after day, my stomach would drop just a bit more because the nightmare just didn’t seem to end. 

But like I said, those aren’t my only type of depressive days. There were also days where I didn’t feel like doing anything. At all. I didn’t blog for ages, couldn’t be bothered with my YouTube channel, I didn’t want to be social. I just wanted to curl up and be away from the world. And that made me upset because I wasn’t used to being like that. I’m a pretty passionate person when it comes to the things that I throw myself into. And I lost all of that drive, passion and motivation and that was pretty scary. 

The other type of day that I would have were the days where I would just be teary. I would cry for no reason. I could be online and looking through Twitter or just watching TV and I would end up crying about something. I would come through the house door after walking home from the bus from uni and I wouldn’t even have felt upset. But yet, I would still end up cry. And I mean sobbing. It was near just a couple of tears. And

sometimes, all three of these things would happen in one day. There doesn’t always have to be something that can trigger a depressive mood. 

There are days where I still feel like I’m needing to battle with my depression but most days it feels like a winning battle now. Alhamdulilah. The difference I’ve seen in a year and a half is crazy and it’s been a rollercoaster for my mental health but I’m grateful for where I’ve managed to get to. I don’t know what my mental health is going to be like tomorrow, let alone in a few months time. But I’ll take what I can, store all my good days so I have something to pull me through on my bad ones. 

If you guys want to see some of my other mental health related posts you can check those out here! 

Love, 

Sai x 

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